My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in September. This will actually be our platinum anniversary, which means he’ll likely get me something that actually consists of platinum.I know this because last year was our Jackshit anniversary.
Anyway, the whole platinum thing has me a bit paranoid, because, as it turns out, aside from fine platinum jewelry, there are actually a GREAT MANY THINGS that consist of platinum.Things like dental implants, pacemakers, and surgical pins. Things like . . .
Fertilizer Engine parts And Explosives.
And, once I factor in my husband’s profound level of sarcasm along with twenty, Piper-fiiled-years of marital “bliss,” I’m a tad concerned that he might try to get me on a technicality.
And instead of getting a new, platinum nipple ring . . .
He’d suprise me with a small, ticking package. Wrapped in brown paper and twine. Stuffed with spark plugs, metal shavings, and just the right amount of TurfBuilder Plus. And a whole bunch of confetti just to keep things festive.
Moments later, as bits of confetti settle across the front lawn, my neighbors would gather around to see what I got.
First they’d gasp, but then their eyes would get wide. Then they’d smile and thoughtfully coo.
“Awwww . . . He went to ACE.”
The Galleria of Platinum.
On the up-side, if I make it through this particular anniversary, I should be OK for the next several decades.
Our 30th will be a diamond.
Our 40th will be a ruby.
And our 50th will be a gallstone and a box of soft chews.
If I remember correctly, our 60th will be a set of monogrammed bed pans and a bag of mothballs . . .
And we’ll throw a HUGE party over at the Center for Bladder Control.
Maybe even hire a DJ.
The highlight of the night will be a sweet, romantic moment. A moment when all eyes will be on us. A moment when we will slowly, feebly make our way to the dance floor, hand in hand, as people get all choked-up and teary-eyed.
And the DJ will play our song.
“Oooooo That Smell . . . Can’t You Smell That Smell?”
Now that’s certainly something to look forward to.Copyright 2011, 2012 Piper Donlevy, www.piperdonlevy.com Little Bastard Wuz Here