Piper Donlevy's Chicken Farm

I stayed home from work today.

I was “detoxing.”

It shouldn’t have been that way.

Typically, I can go to work and detox at the same time.

But today was different.

Because I cheated.

And cheaters never win.

You see, detoxing is a normal, monthly regimen for me – a four day, dietary change consisting of only healthy stuff: water, juice, veggies, and berries – all organic and rich in vitamins and antioxidants. It’s amazing really . . . just a few short hours into detox mode and my entire body begins to operate more efficiently.

I feel better. I think better. I am better.

And that’s because all the good stuff I’m putting in my body is actually flushing away all the garbage I put in my body the month before . . .

Chicken gizzards. Pork rinds. Grain alcohol. Whatnot.

In short, when I detox, I give myself a clean, healthy slate . . . so I can do all that bad stuff over again.

Chicken gizzards. Pork rinds. Grain alcohol. Whatnot

But, as I mentioned, this particular time I cheated.

I turned to a place I like to call Denial Aisle—the diet supplement row of the grocery store—the area where people go in lieu of the produce section—the area where people mull over which skinny-in-a-capsule they should try next.

Fat burners. Appetite suppressants. Enemas.

I knew better. I knew the gimmicks. I knew the lies.

In fact, I’d pontificated on the subject many times in the past; good health is simply a matter of making good choices and good choices simply don’t come in pills. And still, there I was, looking for an easier, more tolerable solution . . . in a pill.

Admittedly, I just wanted a shortcut. I wanted to continue enjoying my mainstays—my favorite treats—

My Sunday Night Peanut Butter & Waffles

My Monday Morning Carmel Frappuccino

My Tuesday Afternoon Half-Pint of Lard Chalupa.

So, standing in Denial Aisle, avoiding hypocrisy through applied logic, I sought a viable excuse for my lack of discipline—

A discreet product that I could justify as being a good choice—

A product that not only “detoxed” but perhaps “cleansed” as well—

A product that forced the toxins out—

A product just like . . .  Ah-Ha! . . . Jillian Michael’s Detox and Cleanse!

 

And here, my friends, is what that “applied logic” ultimately sounded like in my head:

Ok, Piper, aside from the fact that Jillian Michaels looks a hell of a lot better on the front of the box than you would, there are several, irrefutable, scientific and mathematic facts that would support the purchase of these-here-pills.

1.) Jillian Michael’s Detox and Cleanse contains both Chinese rhubarb and magnesium.

2.) Chinese rhubarb and magnesium give you the shits.

3.) Shit has mass.

4.) Mass x Gravity = Weight.

 

And . . . if what they say is true, and every 3500 calories burned equals 1 pound of weight loss, then according to Piper’s Principal of Idiotic Reciprocal Conclusions [1], it must also be true that for every pound of shit you yield, 3500 “free” calories may be consumed.

Therefore, it is plausible that you can, in fact, do your detox thing and still keep your vices. Let’s run the math to be sure.

	Cal	Fat	Carbs	Protein
Waffles (2)	380	14	54	8
Peanut butter (6 tbsp)	1200	48	21	24
Frappuccino (lrg)	500	16	80	8
Chalupa (beef)	410	26	30	13
TOTAL	2490	104	185	53

Ok.  Just ignore the fat and carbs. Just pretend like the protein balances those out. Then, all you have left to worry about is the calories.

And, if 3500 calories is equal to 1 pound, then 2490 calories must be equal to .7 pounds of . . . 

Of POOP? Is that what you’re getting at, Piper? Point seven pounds of POOP?

Yes, point seven pounds of poop.

Seems like a lot of poop, Piper.

Hell, point seven pounds of poop is practically nothing! The real question is, exactly how much Chinese rhubarb and magnesium is that gonna take?

Now you’re over-analyzing.

You’re right, I’m sure Jillian has already figured that out . . . Let’s get it.

So, that’s how it happened. That’s how I opted for the pills—the magic, Chinese rhubarb and magnesium, pooping pills that would make the realities of detoxification more tolerable. And, now, here I am 36 hours later losing weight naturally, while really working my core muscles.

. . . And did I mention I stayed home today?

By the way, ‘point-seven-pounds of poop’ is a proverbial drop in the bucket.

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